Seven Signs That You Might Suck In The Sack

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Completing a decathlon.

Passing the bar.

Eating stouffer’s french bread pizza, and not burning the roof of your mouth.

Teaching v renee to read.

Although each of the aforementioned tasks are extremely formidable, none of them compare to the sheer difficulty of telling a person you care about that they’re, ummm, ungood in the sack.

Because of this, there are tons of wack sex having people walking the planet, completely oblivious to the plague of pathetic punany and pauperized pumpage they’re exposing to an unsuspecting populace.

Today, I decided to enlighten and educate these abominable boners with seven signs that you might just suck at sex.

1. You have the tragic stick

Put it this way, casanova, if your sex life personally remixes the chorus to “magic stick” from…

“I know if i can hit once, i can hit twice”

…to

“i know that i can hit once. twice? eh. good question”

…then maybe for now you should substitute the “who’s your daddy’s?” and “say my name’s” for “this is really great. thank you for the opportunity” and “do you want a check or cash?” .

2. The usual courteous post-coital warm and slightly damp towel has been replaced by a box of kleenex usually frisbeed at your head

3. He’s always in the shower before you even wake up

For men, the relentless pursuit of the possibility of morning sex is embedded in our dna like hunting, gathering, and pissing on the toilet rim. From “accidentally” letting it slip out of our boxers and rub your granny-pantied booty to our perfunctory half-asleep nonchalant “Oh. thats your nipple? My bad. Don’t mind me” morning stretch, our first waking moments are usually spent playing “the poke game“, where we continue to poke around to see if she’s game. Nevermind the fact that we’re not even really that horny half of the time, we’re still contractually obligated to at least try.

A man completely disregarding this process every morning (weekends included) for a quick jump in the shower means one of three things:

a) he’s married.

b) he’s gay

c) you have a stupid and stale vagina, and the thought of having “extra” sex with you is more disturbing than Stan Van Gundy

4. Your head game causes more wincing, “wait’s!!!”, and “what are you doing’s??” than a 3rd grade abstract art class

5. You have a zero day return policy

Its a commonly known fact that non-puerto-rican women of a certain age will do anything to “keep their numbers down”. this includes the storage of certain exes contact info for a set period of time (usually 3 to 18 months), kept in case of dire “i just left a wedding reception. i’m drunk, i’m depressed, and i need some diction right. now.” emergency.

If you’re over 25 and you’ve never received that phone call from an ex, just be thankful that you obviously have a great personality.

on the flip side. if…

6…after sex with you, men consistently disappear like salmon rushdie…

…maybe the next time you’re at borders you need to pick up the “real sex” box set and leave “the tipping point” on the shelves.

7. Your lovemaking lawyering is useless

While its true that men do occasionally turn down sex, its also true that our “no’s” are usually as weak as malibu rum and can be coerced into an immediate change of heart.

If cursed with crippled coochie, though, you’re liable to hear some variant of “nah, babe. i’m good. i need to finish these popsicles before they melt. maybe later”

8. Your name is halle berry

So, falks, any additions?